Men make excellent partners for life. They aren’t always handy with a Black and Decker but that’s the way of it these days. They can be loving, considerate, helpful and on your side which is enough long-term. There are certain things you need to know about them, however, before you commit yourself to one for any length of time.

As a result of being in charge of everything for so long, some men behave like lunatics. This behaviour, in a partner for life, is so grim you have to lash out and if that doesn’t work, you must pretend they are dead.

A rough guide to curious male behaviour

For a start, there’s this ridiculous need to be handled with kid gloves. You will hear women say things like, ‘Don’t speak to your father until he’s eaten.’ Or, ‘Ask him when he’s wearing his yellow trousers.’ I have never done it and I believe fewer and fewer women are doing it because it’s so demeaning all round- But some men have been raised to it. They will be reluctant to abandon their position of privilege so they will flinch, look amazed and ask to be left alone in times of stress, noise or unexpected visitors.

There is also male-pattern deafness which is men only hearing what they want to hear. You will recognise it by the silly facial expression which says, ‘I am not hearing you.’ It will occur in times of emergency as in, ‘Could you please answer the phone’, and everyday living, ‘Has anyone seen the salt?’ It also occurs when they are at the foot of the stairs and you are halfway up with a piano on your back, the reason being you should not expect them to come to you.

As well, you will come across unfamiliarity with other people’s possessions. Few men ever know where anything is if they don’t own it. This is why they can never put away the washing in a house with more than two people in it or find anything in the kitchen.

Most astonishing of all, however, is their ability to think only one thought after the other. This is called linear thinking. The great philosophers may be different but I’ve never met any. Rarely do you spot a man doing more than one thing at a time. When you ask him to spare you a minute he’ll say, ‘Hang on, I’m doing something,’ as if what he’s doing will shift the globe on its axis. He’ll go, ‘I’m watching television’ or ‘I’m just drinking my tea.’

Linear thinking would seem to suggest a paltry intellectual capacity, but there is nothing wrong with the average male capacity for thought, just in his capacity for putting himself out. Most women do it instinctively but it’s probably time they stopped, unless they are thinking of the common good.