If you constantly criticize your child using such phrases as, “You’re lazy; you never do anything right,” your child will feel like an outcast at home. All of us, adults and children alike, need a source of positive input. If your child is constantly exposed to negative criticism in the home, he will turn elsewhere, usually to peers, for the positive feedback he needs. And it is in this type of a situation that a child is likely to be heavily influenced by peer groups and bow to demands that will assure his group acceptance. If the bonding with peers requires the child to experiment with drugs, for example, he will be likely to do so in order to get the acceptance and caring that are not provided at home.

Your child’s self-concept comes from feedback received from you and other parental figures. Whenever you have a chance to praise your child, take advantage of that opportunity. The more you do so, the more closely your child will identify with you, with what you say, and with what you believe. Positive reinforcement goes a long way toward ensuring good behavior. Your child will tend to duplicate behavior for which he is praised—-more often than he will give up behavior be has been punished for or adopt good habits without praise. Focus on what your child does right and praise him often.

As a parent you may often feel a spontaneous surge of love when your child is around, unconditionally, with no strings attached. We suggest that you give voice to this spontaneous affection as well as when the child has done something you approve of. Go to your child and say, “Let me just give you a hug right now”, for no apparent reason, or “It’s so good to see you. I love you very much.” You will find your child will be able to express strong, spontaneous, positive emotions effectively if you practice this.

You should also use positive physical contact as often as you praise your children verbally or express strong, positive emotions. Research has shown that infants need physical contact almost as much as they need food for healthy physical, psychological, and mental development. This need to be hugged and held remains important throughout a child’s life. Don’t be afraid to be affectionate with your spouse in front of your child. Hugging your spouse sets a good example for your child. Establishing positive physical contact as a regular form of expression in your home is not only good role modeling; it also builds self-esteem and reinforces your verbal messages to your child. The combination of a firm, loving hug and words of love or praise spoken in strongly affectionate tones is incalculable, a potent medicine for dealing with immediate problems and a preventive measure to strengthen the family for future interaction.