Respecting what your child says involves not only listening to what he says in conversations you initiate but also listening to the topics he brings up.

Often parents believe it is their role to cultivate a young mind and lead him to sophisticated language by setting an example at the dinner table or elsewhere. If this is achieved by carefully contrived rules that actually limit discussion, it is done at the expense of a child’s initiative.

Linda’s family, for example, had very formal dinners with all five children present. It was supposed to be a time for family discussions, but Linda’s father was a very dogmatic person and decreed that only certain topics were acceptable for dinnertime conversation. Mostly these were topics that the father could prove himself knowledgeable about or that he considered acceptable conversation for the dinner table. Because the family was large and both parents were very busy, this was the only time that the entire group was assembled. It would have provided an excellent time to practice family communication patterns. By being so rigid and controlling in this situation, Linda’s father was actually modeling negative communication and downgrading some of the subjects that were obviously important to the children.

Rather than limit what can be discussed at the dinner table or try to force your child into what you consider elevated discussions, it is better to start with what the child is genuinely interested in. From a foundation of ordinary experience and personal interest, you can point out or direct the conversation to less obvious, more advanced levels of understanding. If your son comes home and says at dinner, “This kid kicked me in school,” you can develop this piece of experience through natural conversation into a discussion of aggressiveness. But first acknowledge the worth of what the child is telling you. Express interest in the details; ask questions: “Were you hurt? You seem to be all right now. I wish you had told me earlier; that must have hurt. Did he kick you hard? How did it happen?”

Good teaching starts where the child is at any given moment and proceeds from there. If you would like your child to speak with mature, sophisticated words and sentences about far-reaching ideas, not only do you have to use the vocabulary and syntax you expect, but you must also involve the child in using such language. Interest is the surest way to gain involvement. Start with what the child knows, the topics he wishes to talk about. Your child will learn that ordinary things are worth discussing intelligently and that experience can be the basis for further thought. You may find that what interests him can be of interest to you.

Remember that you are not in competition with your child. You need not show that you know more than he does. An uncritical approach is needed. You should compliment your child when he has done well, and you should do so eagerly and share jubilantly in your child’s successes. In speaking and listening skills, this means respecting what your child says, praising his efforts, and pointing out, however small it may seem, what he has done right. In this way, you can encourage your child to speak, and you will aid his later success in school and throughout life.